all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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