When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
