His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
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I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
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Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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