like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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