i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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