I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I AM VODKA MAN
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
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