i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
