Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
