He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
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I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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