that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
