if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Randomize
