My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
This baby is an asshole
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
