I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
