Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
