Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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