i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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