someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
