Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
