why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
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just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
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I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
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