I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
