Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Randomize
