the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
