bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
