meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
