i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Randomize
