it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
