Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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