turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
