Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
