I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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