After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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