I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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