Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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