Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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