i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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