The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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