He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
