she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
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I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
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I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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