True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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