So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
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I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
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You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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