I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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