I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
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Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
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Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog