My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.