I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
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Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
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you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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