When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life