she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
