I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize