When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
