I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
