Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
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Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
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I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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