this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
