i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Randomize
