So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
