my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
