just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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