thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
