I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
