In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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