What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
