matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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