does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
